Children

Yesterday was my foster son's birthday. I hope he was celebrated well and appreciated. After we lost him we struggled with whether or not we wanted to "try again". We even asked others to pray for us. The ordeal of caring for Gage and then losing him was traumatic for us. Still the grief stalks us and hounds us. It's a pain that lasts forever, I'm afraid.
In my heart, deep inside, I still ache and long for more children. Deeply, deeply. Now I've become sick. And I wonder if this is it for me. Are there to be no more children in my life? Why, then, does God not take this burden and longing from me? I wish He would do one or the other. Take the ache from me or give me hope of more children. Having the ache but no hope is torture.

Windows

I've heard a woman's brain compared to a computer. We can have many windows open on our desktop at once. But we can't exit any window unless the task is complete or the crisis dealt with. We can minimize some of the windows but they have a tendency to "pop up" on us. And even when they are minimized somehow they are still using up our energy and our "disk space". When you lose a child can you ever exit the window? Or can you only hope to keep it minimized? Does it ever begin to use less energy?

March 11

The day is swiftly approaching. Gagers will be three. I haven't seen him in over a year and pictures have not been forthcoming. I check every morning. I wonder how his face has changed. I think of what my older two were like at three. Is he talking up a storm? Beginning to ask the whys? Is there someone there to answer? Does he feel loved and cared for? Does he remember us? Does he still love music? Does he still love to dance?

Oh Lord, I have placed him into your hands. The hands that
no one can be snatched out of.

Keep watch over him. Pour out your love upon him.
Surround him with people who will

care for him and all of his needs. Woo him to You and Your
Word. Protect him from the

enemy. Never leave him or forsake him. Hug him for
me. Sing songs of comfort over him.

Amen.