Isaiah 53:2-6

He had no form or majesty that we should look at Him,

and no beauty that we should desire Him.

He was despised and rejected by men;

a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;

as one from whom men hide their faces

He was despised and we esteemed Him no.

Surely He has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed Him stricken,

smitten by God and afflicted.

But He was wounded for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with His stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned--every one--to his own way;

and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.

(Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!!!)

Sappiness on the Eve of Thanksgiving

I've been noticing a trend on Facebook this month.  Only two of my FB friends are participating, but everyday these two friends have posted something they are thankful for.  It is the month for pondering thankfulness after all.  I started to write a Post of Thankfulness on FB, one to cover the whole month since I missed the start of the one-a-day.  It grew pretty long and somewhat sappy.  I often write FB posts only to delete them upon reflection.  Then I thought...Hey I have a blog!  And what good is a blog if you can't paste the sappiness on as thickly as you like?

The thing that I am most grateful for is God.  God in all His fullness.  God in His Trinity.  

God the Father for choosing me, for plucking me out of the pit of my life, for trading me a life of misery and sin for one of hope and abundance--no one has ever claimed it was a fair trade.  I am thankful for my Father's leading and guiding, discipline and protection.  

God the Son, my Savior, who died.  He died.  For me.  I don't get it.  But I am so thankful for it.  He is my example.  He is not a High Priest who can't relate for He walked this treacherous, difficult world Himself once.

And He did it perfectly.

He saved me...from the world, from death, from sin, from myself.

God the Spirit who teaches me such beautiful truth.  He leads me from within, fills me with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.  Nine things I was lacking before He came to live with in.  He is my Comforter, my Counselor.  

God is precious to me.

I am also thankful for the life He has given me.  He has given me the strength to be a good mother, to break a cycle of dysfunction in my family.  If you didn't come from a broken messed up family you can't fathom how rescued I feel.  How priceless His safety, and firmness is, how valuable and unestimable His Faithfulness.

I love 2 Timothy 2:13, that says:

If we are faithless, He remains faithful--

for He cannot deny Himself.

Thank You Daddy, Jesus, Spirit, for choosing me, for loving me, for NEVER giving up on me.

Changes

I hate change.  My new email is less than satisfying.  I wish I had an Easy Button right about now.

Dreams

Sometimes I feel like I need a map to my dreams.  They flitter and float about my head and I dare not look directly at them fearing they will vanish like vapor. 

Alan Gurganus

...people need maps to your dreams.

Paul Valery, French Poet

In the first draft is the talent, in the second is the art.

Jack London

You can't wait for inspiration, you have to go after it with a club.

Charles Brower

A new idea is delicate.  It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a quip and worried to death by a frown on the right man's brow.

Frank Capra

A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.

Taking A Break

Having just finished the crappy (emphasis on crappy) first draft of my second novel I am now required to take a break.  The idea is that you have to get away from the work for a spell, get perspective.  The best way to do this is to refuse to even look at it "for at least a month" (according to Bethany).  This is not an easy task.  My ending is so dreadful.  I can't wait to change it.  Every chapter is lacking important plot-heavy details that would help the story make sense.  And character dialogue keeps running through my mind at inconvenient times (they seem to talk more, now, than when I was actually writing).


On a side note I totally caved and re-read my first chapter...it's awful.  Worst part?  It's the best chapter I have in the book...proving that Bethany was right and I should probably get some perspective.


In the meantime, I am having Writing Withdrawals.  I'm dreaming of zombie apocalypses, alien dragons, with breathing tubes, attacking the earth, and feeling cranky.  I need my writing fix.  


NaNoWriMo is just around the corner.


My thoughts diverge here.  


Like a new romance, I worry that putting my novel down and focusing on another project will cool my feelings.  That at the end of our separation I will have lost the sound of my characters voices, that I won't be able regurgitate the internal motivation to create--in their world.  How do I cling to my novel, while fervently pouring myself into something else?  Will working on a new project give me the perspective I need or pour cold water on the fires of creativity?


On the other hand.  At least NaNo allows me to write...something.  I hate waking up in the morning and having no project.  I'm anxious, and empty.  I feel more like a writer than I've ever felt, as I come face to face with the hole it has left behind in my soul.  NaNo is a writing vacation, an exercise in perspective, that allows me to write.

Autumn

Leaves rustle as the wind sweeps them in giant circles across the pavement.

Writing

I feel the echoes of poet Allen Ginsberg in my soul, burning up my heart and bringing tears to my eyes.  When asked by students at Yale University, if there was a moment when he consciously decided to become a poet.  Ginsberg said,

 'It wasn't quite a choice--it was a realization.'*

Oh how this realization has been bubbling up inside of me, a spring of joy, an obsession--in a good way.  How right the world feels when I write.


It brings to mind a quote I have written on an index card attached to the cork board that sits above my computer, encouraging me in my daily work

When I'm writing, I know I'm doing the thing I was born to do.
--Anne Sexton

If I never get published...if the world never hears about me, or reads a single one of my words...daily I get the privilege of entering into the act of creation, with my Creator, and I discover that there is no more daunting or rewarding task than this. 


*Excerpted from On Writing Well --Zinsser

Massive Insomnia

def.--Laying in bed (awake) until midnight, drifting off to sleep for two hours, laying in bed (awake) from 2 am-4am, giving up on sleep.

Battling A Case of the Insecurities

My favorite ocean memories come from the time I spent at the beaches near Fort Walton Beach, FL.  The water was clear and warm, beautiful in ways that make the Pacific envious.  I loved walking out far enough that, as each wave came in to beat on the shore, it would first raise me up.  My feet would leave the sand and I would float in peace until the wave set me back down.  Sometimes my melancholy and insecurities are like this.  I'm mostly OK, and there are times when God picks me up and holds me close in his hands and I feel my feet leave the sand.  
There are times in the ocean, however, when you misjudge a wave.  The water, no longer gentle, pummels you with a rage that sets your heart on edge.  You are no longer lifted up and floating, rather your body is crushed down into the sand with great force.  In these times you fear for your life.  You hold your breath longer than you dreamed possible and you swim and push and fight against the sand trying to find the direction of the air.  Sometimes my melancholy and insecurities are more like this.  The enemy has taken the gloves off, he's thrown the gauntlet and we are going to battle.  My God is still there watching every move closely, keeping the enemy on a short leash.  He's still there rooting for me, loving me, and preparing for my battle victory.  The knowledge of such wonderful things should turn the tide for me, make my victory easier.  It should.  It does...make it easier but not easy.

What's the Hap? the 411?

I'm still dreaming, longingly, with drool dribbling, of somehow getting back across the pond.  Missing London, dreaming of Ireland, and Germany and Spain.  I missed my calling as an independently wealthy traveler.
I've been working...a lot.  Going to classes, writing, teaching homeschool (re-learning Geometry, struggling through Chemistry), attending meetings as one of our church's Attraction Leaders for Children's Ministry--don't ask me how I got the gig, I'm not exactly a poster child for it.
Bethany is attending her first forensics tournament tomorrow.  (She's gonna be great at this.  One of the kids called her bad-ass...proud moment for me)
NaNo is coming up quickly.  Not sure what exactly I'm gonna write about.  Have an idea but it's not my passion, just a different genre.
Bradley keeps asking for more...or new...or easier...or quicker computer science courses.
Dan's going back to school and he has mad* opportunities at work.

I'm praying about-my mom, my illness, writing, that I will be a good friend to those God has given me, an envy problem, wisdom for Dan as he thinks about work stuff, a friend's divorce.

What God has been teaching me-how weak I am, how unfaithful, how big He is...no He's bigger than what you just pictured, my brain can't even keep it in focus for more than a few seconds, how faithful He is, how strong He is, that He is in control--I'm safe in Him, that He is working all of this chaos and pain and difficulty for my good.

He really is beautiful!!!


*(mad means-mucho).

Beth Moore

Anybody can be like everybody else.  Only those who are exceptional choose to believe the possible over the probable.  You, beloved, were created to be exceptional.


(Single greatest motivating statement in my life right now!)

Relient K

Life could you be a little softer to me.

Life could you be more gentle to me.

Yeah, I know, this is a selfish plea,

Because Christ sacrificed His flesh

On the cross for me

But this world is hard,

It's cruel and I wish it could be...

Softer to me.

The Imitation of Christ

Give place, then, to Christ, but deny entrance to all others, for when you have Christ you are rich and He is sufficient for you.

--Thomas a Kempis

Albert Einstein

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

NaNoWriMo

Run whooping through the valleys of your imagination.
--Chris Baty

Psalm 139

O LORD, You have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.


Where shall I go from Your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there Your hand shall lead me,
and Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to You;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with You.


For You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are Your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in Your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.


How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with You.


Oh that You would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against You with malicious intent;
Your enemies take Your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.


Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!