There you are

Well I haven't been updating this blog...AT ALL. I'm sure that any stragglers that still checked in have long since moved on. I have been consumed lately with a mysterious illness. I haven't been well since June but around August/September things took a turn for the worse. In addition to the bone crushing fatigue I was experiencing I began to suffer from pain in my muscles. I had good days and bad days which eventually translated into all bad days. I don't have any symptom free days anymore. I'm grateful when the pain is something I can "soldier" through. It's tougher when the pain is an 8 or 9 out of 10, or when I can't walk. My family has been really supportive. The kids will fetch water and pain pills, empty the dishwasher, even cook some relatively easy meals when my symptoms are bad. My fatigue topped out one day when I went to Target with the kids (Dan was out of town). We went in the door nearest the Halloween costumes so the kids could look around and get ideas. But I needed some chap stick which was on the opposite corner of the store. As I shuffled along and my kids did their best to slow their pace to mine it occurred to me that I might not be able to make it to the other side of the store. What a devastation! This illness has robbed me of my life as I knew it. I'm not sure if I will get my old life back or if I'll have to continue to learn to live in this new unpredictable body. I am hoping for a diagnosis to come through this Friday. A label, a name for what's happening will somehow make all of this feel more real. It will hopefully help me to deal with my denial. In the meantime, I've become better at driving scooters around Target. I haven't quite gotten the courage to use one at Costco or Home Depot. One step at a time I guess. I'm terrified of going shopping with a friend and having to humble myself to use a scooter. I know that they don't care that I'm driving around; they like me anyway. But still it's hard. I never thought I would have to get used to driving a scooter and dealing with those inconveniences so soon in my life. Plus it's embarrassing when you hit reverse and the machine beep beep beeps to (humiliate you and draw attention to you) warn others. I am clinging to the truism that God is Good. That He works ALL things for good for those who love him. Some days I cling better than others but I am looking forward to getting through the tunnel and embracing the light.