What Am I Doing?

Looking forward to summer. I have so many books I want to finish and so many I want to start.

Watching my illness. I've had two pretty good days this week apart from some pretty pretty bad pain in my right arm.

Enjoying Classical music.

Learning to play piano. Who knew? You can teach an old dog new tricks...

Trying to finish Emma by Jane Austen. It's not my favorite of her books and it's long. I'm ready to finish and move on. I'm going to try and challenge myself with Wuthering Heights.

Reading poetry. Really homeschooling provides so many opportunities for me to learn and grow. I hope my kids are getting something out of it too.

Thinking and researching and praying. We are looking to the future and wondering what God has for us next. What is the best next step? Nothing is clear at all. I wish I owned a donkey...I do have a wall.

Hoping to hear from the Lord. About anything. I just love hearing from the Lord.

I am still here

I am still here. Still looking for opportunities to blog, ideas to share. I am still here fighting a disease I don't respect but should. I am still looking to the uncertain future. Wondering. Wishing. Hoping. I am still here mourning the things that I've lost. A child. A life of activity. Sanity. Pain free days. I am still here adjusting and accepting and rejecting and struggling.
I am still here but my ideas for blogging seem to be far away. I find that as I work through the acceptance of this debilitating disease I have become more selfish in my thoughts. It is hard to think of others and outside when inside I am exhausted and worn down with pain. I feel like apologizing collectively to those people I know who are tired of hearing about my new symptoms or the struggles of my week. But this is who I've become. While others are discussing the things that concern them about houses, cars or homeschooling, I am untying the knots of making my body work. I am fighting against a heart and soul that long to run and experience because I no longer have a body that can keep up. I am learning to reject the "I should"s in my head and replace them with "It would be nice if..." If.