The Peace of Ignorance

Notes on the reading of: The Gospel in a Pluralist Society by Leslie Newbegin

Speaking of mission Leslie Newbegin says, "...their mission will not only be a matter of preaching and teaching but also of learning. When he sends them out on their mission, Jesus tells the disciples that there is much for them yet to learn..."

Reflecting on my past experiences with missions and especially my experience in Bristol, England it occurs to me that I have somehow approached these service opportunities in the wrong manner. I have felt the weight of being "all together", the weight of knowing something more, the weight of expectations. I have felt that I should be gifted, especially gifted in evangelism. And if I am not? Then what place do I have here? What right have I to go on mission?

Yet, in his chapter entitled The Logic of Mission, Leslie Newbegin states that it is not my mission.

"To be baptized is to be incorporated into the dying of Jesus so as to become a participant in his risen life, and so to share his ongoing mission to the world.

"His mission. It is of greatest importance to recognize that it remains his mission."

This recognition in my soul this morning has settled a great peace on my heart. I am not expected to know it all, yet. Not expected to have anything together. I am sent on this mission to learn and grow. It's His mission to save souls and to sanctify mine.

I have never felt the peace of ignorance and I hope it is not merely a flash of recognition that passes but a deep knowledge that sinks into the marrow of my soul. That I may be changed forever.

To Your Name be glory and honor forever!

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Blogging is Writing. Right?

So I guess I'm procrastinating writing...or am I? I am. It's true. I've been writing three pages of terrible action and dialogue. It's not fun. I know that I have to write this crap in order to dig down deep enough to find what I hope is good writing. It's just such a boring process, and my husband is home. He's busy doing school but still, he's home. It's gray and snowy and I'd rather be reading something that someone else spent hours creating than doing the work myself. Actually I'm kinda hoping that blogging can count as my crap writing and I'll be able to dive right into the good stuff when I'm done here. (sorry readers).

 

 

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My (not quite a whole) Year of Getting Skinny

Now there is no way that I am posting this on Facebook, but I've joined Weight Watchers.  It was really hard for me to do.  It felt humiliating.  It felt like a failure.  But I told myself, or the parent inside me told me, that I needed help.  And Weight Watchers was willing to help.  I also told myself that asking for help is a success and not a failure, and while that's true I still found it hard to believe.

I've been at Weight Watchers since April--which is why it isn't really a whole year.  It has surprised me.  First of all, I've already lost 15 pounds.  15 pounds!!!  That's un-freaking-believable.  But that's not the only surprise.  I actually don't mind the meetings.  I thought I would hate them but I've discovered some truly lovely people and I've enjoyed the little tips and tricks that they share each week.  Yay!  I'm an introvert so the meetings were pretty daunting for me. 

Some days I find the limited diet quite easy, especially with the free fruits and veggies (free=0 points).  On other days, though, I'd love to chew through a bag of Salsa Verde Doritos, or have a giant sundae.  Now, of course I can do all of that if I budget the points for it.  I just don't like to waste a large chunk of points.  I prefer to dole out my 49 extra points over the whole week, giving me 7 extra points per day.  Skinny Cow's are 4 points after all and I do love dessert!

So, wish me luck!  I'd like to be nearly half the woman I was at the start of the year. ;)

Goodbye

I feel really sad that I won't be homeschooling next year...or ever again, really.  Wow!  The great vast horizon of the years to come stretch out before me, open, empty.  I feel so reflective and contemplative.  The deep sadness comes to me and fills me because I LOVED it so much!  It was beautiful and meaningful and challenging.  Homeschooling blessed me deeply, down in my marrow.  

An email arrives in my inbox, advertising a sale at CBD on homeschooling supplies.  I walk through Sam's Club or Target and think of school supplies that I might need for the year to come, then catch myself.  That is no longer who I am.  But I liked being her.  And I will miss her.

I am thankful for the minutes and hours I got to spend with my wonderful children.  The seconds I was able to pour into their lives and their hearts.  I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to really know them.  They are amazing, unbelievable, interesting, joyful, funny.  Many public schooling parents would disagree and argue, I'm sure, but I am certain that I would not have truly known my children if I hadn't spent so much time with them.  For that I am full of gratitude.  I know them...and they like me.

I will miss the laughter.  I know they will still be here and be around but I will miss all the moments "in between".  It was all of the "in between" moments that delivered deep questions, and giggle fits and discussions of life.  

Time keeps moving forward.  And it is good.

I am excited for the opportunities that this new school will bring.  I am excited for my kids to go out and embark on the adventure of their lives.  But I am also aware of the passing of a moment in time.  Like the passing of babies to toddlers, and toddlers to school age children.  This is a chunk of my life and their life that is passing away, into the past.  It is becoming our history, a part of our foundation.  When I gaze into the future it is no longer there.  Though I search for it, it will not be found.  Ahead in the steps that I take I will never step again into a homeschool convention, or walk through Staples in the same way again.

Momentous.  Ginormous in scope.  Deeper than I can express.  There passes an enormous chapter of life.

A great and large chapter.

Goodbye Homeschooling.  I loved you well and tried my best and trusted God to fill the empty spaces. 

He will fill the empty horizon ahead. 

Dear God...

...is it O.K. if I stay home and write?

Sacrifice

I need to spend some time in the Word/prayer thinking about sacrifice.  So, naturally, I'm procrastinating.  (Although I did feel God smile at me and shake His head, and now I can't wait to hang out with Him this morning.)

I've been convicted about suffering and sacrificing lately.  How much do I really sacrifice?  How much do I really give back to God?  I'm not sure that I sacrifice anything.  How many hours of sleep do I lose to prayer?  How much of myself do I lay down each day.  I look around me and I see all the distractions of this wealthy country.  So much junk.  Ashes and vapor.  Here only for a flash.  Yet, I covet it.  I wrap it all up tightly in my fist and refuse to let it go.  

I have a comfortable bed, a comfortable recliner, a comfortable office chair, a computer connected to the internet, cable TV with a bajillion channels, an iPod with Facebook and Bejewelled and IMDB and iTunes Movie Trailers, and email and Twitter.  I have food piled up in my kitchen, food that will sit until it goes bad, food that isn't even really food but more of a food product filled with sugar.  I have disposable income.  Disposable.  Income that I use to entertain myself with movies, and games.  

I think about the countries where Christians are giving so much away, everyday.  Risking.  Risking everything for the Lord.  It's a habit for them.  It's what they do.  My habit is comfort, convenience.  My idol is comfort, convenience, stuff.

Stuff Mart.  (Yeah, that's right, I threw in a Veggie Tales reference.)

When do I have enough stuff?  Enough clothes?  Enough food?  Enough?  According to American Theology-NEVER.  I will never have enough.  I see the faint solidity of another world.  God washes the scales from my eyes and I see that there are places where this isn't true, places where the Truth is true.  I can't seem to escape the American consumer fog.  My brain rises out of the density only to fall back down.

The world woos me with flashy, bright, colorful, NEW things.  And I am caught.  My eyes drift.  I drift.  

If I don't do something, I'll never do anything.

I feel like I'm doing everything wrong...but I don't know how to fix it.