Wherever you go...

2012-02-03T12:52:00.001-07:00

I feel like I'm doing everything wrong...but I don't know how to fix it.

Isaiah 53:2-6

2011-11-30T09:47:00.001-07:00

He had no form or majesty that we should look at Him,

and no beauty that we should desire Him.

He was despised and rejected by men;

a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;

as one from whom men hide their faces

He was despised and we esteemed Him no.

Surely He has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed Him stricken,

smitten by God and afflicted.

But He was wounded for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with His stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned--every one--to his own way;

and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.

(Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!!!)

Sappiness on the Eve of Thanksgiving

2011-11-19T09:57:00.001-07:00

I've been noticing a trend on Facebook this month. Only two of my FB friends are participating, but everyday these two friends have posted something they are thankful for. It is the month for pondering thankfulness after all. I started to write a Post of Thankfulness on FB, one to cover the whole month since I missed the start of the one-a-day. It grew pretty long and somewhat sappy. I often write FB posts only to delete them upon reflection. Then I thought...Hey I have a blog! And what good is a blog if you can't paste the sappiness on as thickly as you like?

The thing that I am most grateful for is God. God in all His fullness. God in His Trinity.

God the Father for choosing me, for plucking me out of the pit of my life, for trading me a life of misery and sin for one of hope and abundance--no one has ever claimed it was a fair trade. I am thankful for my Father's leading and guiding, discipline and protection.

God the Son, my Savior, who died. He died. For me. I don't get it. But I am so thankful for it. He is my example. He is not a High Priest who can't relate for He walked this treacherous, difficult world Himself once.

And He did it perfectly.

He saved me...from the world, from death, from sin, from myself.

God the Spirit who teaches me such beautiful truth. He leads me from within, fills me with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. Nine things I was lacking before He came to live with in. He is my Comforter, my Counselor.

God is precious to me.

I am also thankful for the life He has given me. He has given me the strength to be a good mother, to break a cycle of dysfunction in my family. If you didn't come from a broken messed up family you can't fathom how rescued I feel. How priceless His safety, and firmness is, how valuable and unestimable His Faithfulness.

I love 2 Timothy 2:13, that says:

If we are faithless, He remains faithful--

for He cannot deny Himself.

Thank You Daddy, Jesus, Spirit, for choosing me, for loving me, for NEVER giving up on me.

Changes

2011-11-01T13:33:00.000-06:00

I hate change. My new email is less than satisfying. I wish I had an Easy Button right about now.

Dreams

2011-10-20T09:00:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I feel like I need a map to my dreams. They flitter and float about my head and I dare not look directly at them fearing they will vanish like vapor.

Alan Gurganus

2011-10-18T06:49:00.000-06:00

...people need maps to your dreams.

Paul Valery, French Poet

2011-10-18T06:43:00.003-06:00

In the first draft is the talent, in the second is the art.

Jack London

2011-10-13T09:18:00.005-06:00

You can't wait for inspiration, you have to go after it with a club.

Charles Brower

2011-10-13T09:17:00.001-06:00

A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a quip and worried to death by a frown on the right man's brow.

Frank Capra

2011-10-13T09:00:00.001-06:00

A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.

Taking A Break

2011-10-11T08:24:00.000-06:00

Having just finished the crappy (emphasis on crappy) first draft of my second novel I am now required to take a break. The idea is that you have to get away from the work for a spell, get perspective. The best way to do this is to refuse to even look at it "for at least a month" (according to Bethany). This is not an easy task. My ending is so dreadful. I can't wait to change it. Every chapter is lacking important plot-heavy details that would help the story make sense. And character dialogue keeps running through my mind at inconvenient times (they seem to talk more, now, than when I was actually writing).

On a side note I totally caved and re-read my first chapter...it's awful. Worst part? It's the best chapter I have in the book...proving that Bethany was right and I should probably get some perspective.

In the meantime, I am having Writing Withdrawals. I'm dreaming of zombie apocalypses, alien dragons, with breathing tubes, attacking the earth, and feeling cranky. I need my writing fix.

NaNoWriMo is just around the corner.

My thoughts diverge here.

Like a new romance, I worry that putting my novel down and focusing on another project will cool my feelings. That at the end of our separation I will have lost the sound of my characters voices, that I won't be able regurgitate the internal motivation to create--in their world. How do I cling to my novel, while fervently pouring myself into something else? Will working on a new project give me the perspective I need or pour cold water on the fires of creativity?

On the other hand. At least NaNo allows me to write...something. I hate waking up in the morning and having no project. I'm anxious, and empty. I feel more like a writer than I've ever felt, as I come face to face with the hole it has left behind in my soul. NaNo is a writing vacation, an exercise in perspective, that allows me to write.

Autumn

2011-10-07T09:48:00.003-06:00

Leaves rustle as the wind sweeps them in giant circles across the pavement.

Writing

2011-10-05T09:40:00.000-06:00

I feel the echoes of poet Allen Ginsberg in my soul, burning up my heart and bringing tears to my eyes. When asked by students at Yale University, if there was a moment when he consciously decided to become a poet. Ginsberg said,

'It wasn't quite a choice--it was a realization.'*

Oh how this realization has been bubbling up inside of me, a spring of joy, an obsession--in a good way. How right the world feels when I write.

It brings to mind a quote I have written on an index card attached to the cork board that sits above my computer, encouraging me in my daily work

When I'm writing, I know I'm doing the thing I was born to do.
--Anne Sexton

If I never get published...if the world never hears about me, or reads a single one of my words...daily I get the privilege of entering into the act of creation, with my Creator, and I discover that there is no more daunting or rewarding task than this.

*Excerpted from On Writing Well --Zinsser

Massive Insomnia

2011-10-04T06:25:00.001-06:00

def.--Laying in bed (awake) until midnight, drifting off to sleep for two hours, laying in bed (awake) from 2 am-4am, giving up on sleep.

Battling A Case of the Insecurities

2011-10-03T09:12:00.000-06:00

My favorite ocean memories come from the time I spent at the beaches near Fort Walton Beach, FL. The water was clear and warm, beautiful in ways that make the Pacific envious. I loved walking out far enough that, as each wave came in to beat on the shore, it would first raise me up. My feet would leave the sand and I would float in peace until the wave set me back down. Sometimes my melancholy and insecurities are like this. I'm mostly OK, and there are times when God picks me up and holds me close in his hands and I feel my feet leave the sand.
There are times in the ocean, however, when you misjudge a wave. The water, no longer gentle, pummels you with a rage that sets your heart on edge. You are no longer lifted up and floating, rather your body is crushed down into the sand with great force. In these times you fear for your life. You hold your breath longer than you dreamed possible and you swim and push and fight against the sand trying to find the direction of the air. Sometimes my melancholy and insecurities are more like this. The enemy has taken the gloves off, he's thrown the gauntlet and we are going to battle. My God is still there watching every move closely, keeping the enemy on a short leash. He's still there rooting for me, loving me, and preparing for my battle victory. The knowledge of such wonderful things should turn the tide for me, make my victory easier. It should. It does...make it easier but not easy.

What's the Hap? the 411?

2011-09-30T08:07:00.001-06:00

I'm still dreaming, longingly, with drool dribbling, of somehow getting back across the pond. Missing London, dreaming of Ireland, and Germany and Spain. I missed my calling as an independently wealthy traveler.
I've been working...a lot. Going to classes, writing, teaching homeschool (re-learning Geometry, struggling through Chemistry), attending meetings as one of our church's Attraction Leaders for Children's Ministry--don't ask me how I got the gig, I'm not exactly a poster child for it.
Bethany is attending her first forensics tournament tomorrow. (She's gonna be great at this. One of the kids called her bad-ass...proud moment for me)
NaNo is coming up quickly. Not sure what exactly I'm gonna write about. Have an idea but it's not my passion, just a different genre.
Bradley keeps asking for more...or new...or easier...or quicker computer science courses.
Dan's going back to school and he has mad* opportunities at work.

I'm praying about-my mom, my illness, writing, that I will be a good friend to those God has given me, an envy problem, wisdom for Dan as he thinks about work stuff, a friend's divorce.

What God has been teaching me-how weak I am, how unfaithful, how big He is...no He's bigger than what you just pictured, my brain can't even keep it in focus for more than a few seconds, how faithful He is, how strong He is, that He is in control--I'm safe in Him, that He is working all of this chaos and pain and difficulty for my good.

He really is beautiful!!!

*(mad means-mucho).

Beth Moore

2011-09-29T09:24:00.000-06:00

Anybody can be like everybody else. Only those who are exceptional choose to believe the possible over the probable. You, beloved, were created to be exceptional.

(Single greatest motivating statement in my life right now!)

Relient K

2011-09-28T11:04:00.002-06:00

Life could you be a little softer to me.

Life could you be more gentle to me.

Yeah, I know, this is a selfish plea,

Because Christ sacrificed His flesh

On the cross for me

But this world is hard,

It's cruel and I wish it could be...

Softer to me.

The Imitation of Christ

2011-09-26T08:52:00.001-06:00

Give place, then, to Christ, but deny entrance to all others, for when you have Christ you are rich and He is sufficient for you.

--Thomas a Kempis

Albert Einstein

2011-09-25T17:32:00.000-06:00

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

NaNoWriMo

2011-09-24T18:34:00.001-06:00

Run whooping through the valleys of your imagination.
--Chris Baty

Psalm 139

2011-09-22T07:41:00.003-06:00

O LORD, You have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from Your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there Your hand shall lead me,
and Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to You;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are Your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in Your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with You.

Oh that You would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against You with malicious intent;
Your enemies take Your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

NaNoWriMo

2009-08-05T07:27:00.002-06:00

National Novel Writing Month is quickly approaching and my blood pressure and fear of failure is rising. I didn't finish my last attempt at writing a novel in a month. I only got about half way. Still 25,000 words is more than I had ever written before and some of it is actually good. This time I will actually be attempting it during the official month. This means that if I manage by some miracle to finish my novel I could get some small recognitions from other WriMos or some humiliation, should I fall short of the 50,000 words.
The thought of writing a novel in a month is terrifying. As I sit here typing away on my keyboard, wasting words really on a blog rather than on my novel, I have approximately zero good ideas for a new story line. Of course those are the rules. You cannot use material you've already started on. It has to be something fresh and new. You can, however, begin planning characters and settings one week before it starts. My heart just started beating faster as I typed the last sentence. One week. I think perhaps NaNoWriMo is for psychotic, insane people who for some ridiculous reason feel that they need to write a novel in a month. I'm proud to say that I am one of them.

November is National Novel Writing Month.

Update: Taco Bell

2009-07-26T13:19:00.002-06:00

My family and I went out to Taco Bell again today and were again charged double for my sour cream as well as being charged double for my daughter's nacho cheese (.45+.45=.90, a full order of nachos is only 9 cents more). Starting to become irritated by this I decided to call 1-800-TACO BELL. They didn't really seem to care and they couldn't provide me with any information on whether or not this was on the up and up. I told the lady that I spoke with that what I really wanted documented was how deceitful it felt to me to be charged 30 cents plus 30 cents. If the price of sour cream has really doubled from 30 cents to 60 cents, it would seem like a more straight forward business practice to print 60 cents on the receipt. To me it seems as though these particular Taco Bells are cheating people out of money. It feels like they are hoping that most people won't really look at the receipt. It comes off to me as though sour cream is really only 30 cents but they are trying to rig the system and make more money.

Christians Aren't Funny

2009-07-25T06:51:00.002-06:00

According to an article in Time magazine, Christians--of which I am one, are not funny. We are apparently unable to delve into the darker sides of life and can't muster more than a good poop joke. This was completely shocking to me but as it is in a reputable news magazine (though obviously an opinion piece) it must be absolutely correct. I am going to have to go out immediately and stop my sister-in-law Charla from speaking ever again because I can't seem to get through a conversation with her without laughing about something. And you, follower Cassie, I don't know what you're going to do.
Just last week at the end of my women's bible study my daughter and I watched a video with what appeared to be Kay Arthur, Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer. But they must have been imposters because I was laughing so hard (and so loud) that I was crying. It couldn't have actually been them, because they are Christians.

In all seriousness, I guess that the writer of the piece felt that you can't be funny if you aren't using swear words or making a jab at God. Or perhaps he just hasn't met the right Christians.

Trashy

2009-07-24T06:58:00.002-06:00

I don't understand people who throw their trash out of their car. Did they grow up in homes where they threw their stuff on the ground only to have mom or dad pick it up? Do they feel that they own the world so they can trash it how they please? Do they have so much trash already filling up their car that they couldn't possibly fit one more piece of paper? Is having a clean car more important than having clean streets? Or are they so wrapped up in themselves that they just aren't aware of anything else? It is upsetting to be driving down the road and have paper fly at your face. Sometimes I feel like pulling up beside them and lecturing them. Actually I wish I could do this for a lot of driver's as well..."You do realize the speed limit is 45, not 25 right?"

Taco Bell Fiasco

2009-07-24T06:47:00.002-06:00

Recently my family and I went to Taco Bell for dinner. Actually it was the night we were off to see A Midsummer Nights Dream at CSU (super awesome play! loved it!) When we arrived I proceeded to order my staple item, the one thing I order every time I go to Taco Bell, a Nacho Supreme, and a side order of sour cream--they never put enough on. A side order of sour cream is about 35 cents. It is definitely worth it. I believe that the standard regulation for sour cream is one pump, per 35 cents. However, many Taco Bells that I have had the pleasure to eat at give the sour cream two pumps, therefore filling the nacho cheese sized cup. When this does not happen I make due with my one side of sour cream. On this night, I walked up to the counter and gave my order, grabbed the various cups, went to sit at a booth and somewhat patiently await my food. Dh used to work at TB and is in the habit of reading over every receipt, TB or otherwise. As he perused the assortment of items that his family had ordered he noticed that the boy at the register charged me twice for my sour cream, once for each pump. My issue with this is that I didn't order two sour creams, he didn't give me the option of just paying for one pump, instead without my consent he over charged me for sour cream. I did get the two pumps that I paid for but I'll probably eat at the other TB in town from now on.

Obama's in Trouble

2009-07-24T06:26:00.002-06:00

I have to say that I have been pleased in the last 24 hours to see that Obama's popularity with the media hasn't stunted their ability to report on the foolish things that Obama does. The particular foolish thing that I am referring to (as many may not know which one of many) has to do with police officers who act "stupidly". I'm not sure I understand why, just because you are black, AND wealthy, AND a personal friend of the president you are no longer required to comply and cooperate with a police officer. I'm not sure I understand how a police officer can treat you "by the book", just exactly as he would treat a white man who was breaking into a home, and yet be racist. However, that is the platform that Gates has immediately jumped up onto and, unfortunately been followed by many others--apparently, including the President.

This whole story irks me incredibly. My logical brain struggles at times to digest the ridiculous roads that our country sometimes hurls itself down. The "logic" being conveyed on TV is that in the past police officers have been known to have problems with being racist, this man is a cop, therefore he is a racist. That kind of logic would be appalling if it were used in the reverse. Obama will be lucky if his comments don't incite someone to violence. I don't see how turning a "by procedure" arrest into a racial matter is anywhere near healing race relations in our country. Isn't that what Obama said he would work towards?

What I am pleased to see is that this officer is refusing to apologize for following procedure. So many times something like this will happen and some poor cop will be fired or publicly humiliated for daring to arrest a wealthy man. (Some of the rich in our country seem to expect special treatment at all times--that's retarded, offensive and irritating.)

I have been pleased as well to see that many of the online polls relating to this situation have shown the outrage that the people feel over such explosive language from the president.

Facebook

2009-03-06T14:02:00.002-07:00

Facebook depresses me sometimes. It is a page filled with all of the exciting things that are happening to everyone else. Some even manage to get others to post comments on their status. It just feels so much like a finger pointing at me and a voice saying: "Look at all the things that you are not doing." It's a laughing and mocking voice. And I am struggling to do something, to be something. But I am always running smack into the brick wall of my limitations.

Draft

2009-03-06T13:59:00.002-07:00

I draft everything and post nothing. My "Edit posts" page is filled with the words draft, draft, draft. Sometimes my life feels like a draft. I'm always in pieces. Unsure of where God is leading. Unable to see the finished product that God has in mind for me. A rough draft. Constantly working it all out. Wondering at the world.

Blessed

2008-12-24T09:55:00.002-07:00

I feel so blessed to be here in Fort Collins, Colorado. It has been snowing and producing the iconic "White Christmas". And I know that it is just for me from my Father up above who delights in the joy He brings me. I am pinching myself everyday. I am so glad to be here with my family, in a warm house, with tasty treats, and I'm even OK with the fake tree (though next year it WILL be real--can't wait!).

But this time of year also fills me with a pang of sorrow, an ache in my heart. This is the time of year that I miss most the people I've lost. I am sorry to not have my mother in my life--though her life is such that I can't--she's still my mother. In spite of all her faults I love her and ache for her. She is so lost, and I am so sorry for her and the pain that her life brings her.

A greater loss, I miss Gage deeply. I hope that he is well, and healthy, and happy. I pray that God will shield my memories of him and keep them firmly planted in my heart. I know that God has Gage in His strong and loving hands.

Still I feel blessed...

What Year Is It?

2008-11-16T09:21:00.002-07:00

I just read a headline about how Obama's election is spurring hate crimes, cross burnings, etc... What year are we living in that someone would not only feel such ignorant hate but also feel completely comfortable expressing it? Where is the shame? My dad got text messages from people he works with that were filled with racial slurs following the election and christians that I know are still promoting false information about Obama's religion. Where is the truth? Whether you voted for him or not Barack Obama is our president, the leader of our nation, and as such deserves our respect. I know some who would agree with that, encourage that sentiment out the right side of their mouth while bashing him with the left. How is that respect? How is gossip and rumor spreading a sign of respect? We all should feel ashamed! Ashamed of our country that still harbors such stupid hatred and really ashamed of Christians who do not seek out the truth before condemning others (I include J.K. Rowling in this as well--I can't tell you how many people quote a false article written by a comic newspaper to me about J.K. Rowling recruiting children to become witches.)
It is time for us to embrace the leader that God has chosen for our nation. It is time for us to stand up and speak out against racism wherever it is met.

Sharks

2008-07-12T20:43:00.001-06:00

Shark found in swimming pool. I always knew it was possible that Jaws was in the deep end.

Our Little Baby

2008-07-06T10:03:00.002-06:00

Rocket Science

2008-06-30T10:31:00.000-06:00

A Day in the Life

2008-06-24T21:09:00.003-06:00

We stopped to get a Starbucks coffee for mom. (Bradley doesn't need caffeine.)

We took the dogs to the park for a walk. (This was before the wave of 100+ temps.)

Bethany climbed a tree. (In flip flops.)

Bradley climbed a tree. (Yeah!)

Charles Spurgeon

2008-06-22T22:32:00.000-06:00

“We have a faith to preach, my brethren, and we are sent forth with a message from God. We are not left to fabricate the message as we go along. We are not sent forth by our Master with this kind of general commission - ‘As you shall think in your heart and invent in your head as you march on, so preach. Keep abreast of the times. Whatever the people want to hear, tell them that, and they shall be saved.’ Verily, we read not so. There is something definite in the Bible. We ought to preach the gospel, not as our views at all, but as the mind of God-the testimony of Jehovah concerning his own Son, and in reference to salvation for lost men. If we had been entrusted with the making of the gospel, we might have altered it to suit the taste of this modest century, but never having been employed to originate the good news, but merely to repeat it, we dare not stir beyond the record. What we have been taught of God we teach. If we do not do this, we are not fit for our position.”

Writing

2008-06-20T11:03:00.003-06:00

Writing terrifies me. I get so far in a paper or a story and then I am blank. Empty. There is nothing left in my brain. No clever turn of phrase; no idea where I was even headed. When we move Dan mentioned that he'd like it if I went back to school. Frightening. Do you know how many essays and papers you have to write in college? I haven't even gotten English under my belt. That's at least 5 papers on its own. I feel like I should write...something. I long to put pen to paper and create things. I write the most interesting colorful sentences in my head all the time. They just don't connect into any one coherent paragraph. I often think of writing a short story but can never decide what to write about. The trouble is that everything worth writing about (and some that aren't) have been written. What is my original idea? Where do I want to take it? I don't know; I'm drawing a blank...

Insomnia

2008-06-19T03:04:00.003-06:00

I'm awake. Not really by choice. I'm up by choice. However, if I were laying down on my soft comfy bed, I would still be awake. So, I'm improvising neat things to do on the internet. First I did all of the routine things all of you would expect. I checked my email. I checked my blogs. I surfed through all of my usual hangouts. Then I went to myspace. I searched for my brother, my cousins, long lost friends. Then I googled them all. I found an email address for Aaron Foor. Quite exciting since I've been trying to reconnect with Emily for ages. I also found Janette Gleim. She was in my wedding. So, I shot off a random, 2am email to her. Turns out she lives near Denver, CO. Which is one of the top places on our list of lovely places to move. Interesting.
I wish I could email Gage. I have googled him in the past but in fairness he isn't really old enough to have accomplished Google worthy fame. I'll keep trying...
Yesterday I went swimming. It was the first time I've gone swimming since I was diagnosed. It was a lot of fun. It cost me soooo many spoons. I came home, had Dan BBQ hamburgers, and crashed at around 730pm. I slept straight through the night. 13 hours of sleep. I barely made it through today I was so weak and tired. I think I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep. Only people who have ever experienced this will understand it.
I should probably pull out the big guns...yoga breathing and classical music. I really do need my sleep. Tomorrow is another day of mandatory rest and recovery in the regime of "Pace Yourself". I'm supposed to try to do less than nothing. It's harder to accomplish than you think...

Free Comics!

2008-05-11T09:20:00.003-06:00

May 3rd was free comic book day. Every year on the first Saturday in May participating comic book stores will give away free comics. This was our first year attending. Bradley was quite excited. We were all expecting to receive one comic book each and hoping that the one we got would be a good one. It turns out that "Free Comic Book Day" is an event used by the publishers of comics to expose many readers to their new lines of comics. Instead of one comic a piece we each were able to pick out one of each kind available. I was able to come away with all the comics you see in the picture. What a fun and exciting event!

What Am I Doing?

2008-04-25T09:54:00.002-06:00

Looking forward to summer. I have so many books I want to finish and so many I want to start.

Watching my illness. I've had two pretty good days this week apart from some pretty pretty bad pain in my right arm.

Enjoying Classical music.

Learning to play piano. Who knew? You can teach an old dog new tricks...

Trying to finish Emma by Jane Austen. It's not my favorite of her books and it's long. I'm ready to finish and move on. I'm going to try and challenge myself with Wuthering Heights.

Reading poetry. Really homeschooling provides so many opportunities for me to learn and grow. I hope my kids are getting something out of it too.

Thinking and researching and praying. We are looking to the future and wondering what God has for us next. What is the best next step? Nothing is clear at all. I wish I owned a donkey...I do have a wall.

Hoping to hear from the Lord. About anything. I just love hearing from the Lord.

I am still here

2008-04-22T13:21:00.003-06:00

I am still here. Still looking for opportunities to blog, ideas to share. I am still here fighting a disease I don't respect but should. I am still looking to the uncertain future. Wondering. Wishing. Hoping. I am still here mourning the things that I've lost. A child. A life of activity. Sanity. Pain free days. I am still here adjusting and accepting and rejecting and struggling.
I am still here but my ideas for blogging seem to be far away. I find that as I work through the acceptance of this debilitating disease I have become more selfish in my thoughts. It is hard to think of others and outside when inside I am exhausted and worn down with pain. I feel like apologizing collectively to those people I know who are tired of hearing about my new symptoms or the struggles of my week. But this is who I've become. While others are discussing the things that concern them about houses, cars or homeschooling, I am untying the knots of making my body work. I am fighting against a heart and soul that long to run and experience because I no longer have a body that can keep up. I am learning to reject the "I should"s in my head and replace them with "It would be nice if..." If.

Children

2008-03-12T11:08:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was my foster son's birthday. I hope he was celebrated well and appreciated. After we lost him we struggled with whether or not we wanted to "try again". We even asked others to pray for us. The ordeal of caring for Gage and then losing him was traumatic for us. Still the grief stalks us and hounds us. It's a pain that lasts forever, I'm afraid.
In my heart, deep inside, I still ache and long for more children. Deeply, deeply. Now I've become sick. And I wonder if this is it for me. Are there to be no more children in my life? Why, then, does God not take this burden and longing from me? I wish He would do one or the other. Take the ache from me or give me hope of more children. Having the ache but no hope is torture.

Windows

2008-03-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

I've heard a woman's brain compared to a computer. We can have many windows open on our desktop at once. But we can't exit any window unless the task is complete or the crisis dealt with. We can minimize some of the windows but they have a tendency to "pop up" on us. And even when they are minimized somehow they are still using up our energy and our "disk space". When you lose a child can you ever exit the window? Or can you only hope to keep it minimized? Does it ever begin to use less energy?

March 11

2008-03-05T08:55:00.002-07:00

The day is swiftly approaching. Gagers will be three. I haven't seen him in over a year and pictures have not been forthcoming. I check every morning. I wonder how his face has changed. I think of what my older two were like at three. Is he talking up a storm? Beginning to ask the whys? Is there someone there to answer? Does he feel loved and cared for? Does he remember us? Does he still love music? Does he still love to dance?

Oh Lord, I have placed him into your hands. The hands that
no one can be snatched out of.
Keep watch over him. Pour out your love upon him.
Surround him with people who will
care for him and all of his needs. Woo him to You and Your
Word. Protect him from the
enemy. Never leave him or forsake him. Hug him for
me. Sing songs of comfort over him.
Amen.

Buyer's Remorse?

2008-02-13T12:53:00.002-07:00

It is the time of year when I go about searching and obsessing over curriculum for the following year. Most of it is pretty easy since I use Ambleside Online. They provide the book lists and I just have to seek out the best possible deals. However, there are a few subjects that Ambleside leaves open--such as Math, and a few that I just don't follow. (I'm such a rebel.) This year's difficult subjects have been math, science, foreign languages, and some electives. For some the problem is that there are so many good choices, so many good treats I want to try. For others there are so few good choices and they are so hard to find. Either way, it seems that I can't make up my mind. Every year I seem to wonder if I have made all the right choices. Or I wonder if I shouldn't have added this or left that out. This year I have decided on my curriculum. It is written out in my notebook...and yet I still find myself perusing, and wondering and wishing. Could I just add one more thing...

Creature Comforts

2008-02-13T12:40:00.003-07:00

We are soon getting our tax return. With it we will be getting two recliners. Yay!!! Can't wait for the comfort. It should be a really good purchase for us. Sitting on the couch has become quite a painful endeavor. Dan has his back problems and I have my all over pain. We've been casually shopping for recliners for about a year now. We had hoped that last year would have afforded us the opportunity to buy. But this year it has become a priority. We have been back and forth between styles and fabrics never quite feeling as though we had found the chair for us. We had tentatively decided that the Calvin in leather was a good choice. It is a great price for a leather recliner. But for some reason when we went back to La Z Boy we still wanted to "try out" some more chairs. We split up and wandered the store. Bethany came with me and Bradley went with Dan--advisors--very important job. I sat in the Calvin again but something just wasn't clicking, so I moved on to try some others. Finally I ended up in a chair known as the Clarkston. It was heaven. I felt as if I could fall asleep right there in the store. Unfortunately we had decided to go leather and this chair came standard in fabric. Upgrading was going to be quite expensive. So, I wandered to go and find Dan and let him know that I had found the recliner that I wanted. Surprise! He was sitting in the exact same recliner at the back of the store. We had each separately picked the same chair. We were considering forking over some major cash to get them in leather--you know as a good investment but it turns out that the fabric that our chair comes in is a microfiber and of a very high quality (and ultra super soft as well). Yay!!! We saved some cash and got a great chair. However, it takes 6-8 weeks to get them ordered. And so the waiting begins...

And Loving It

2008-02-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a little better lately. Just a little of my pep and spunk has returned. The pain is still there nagging me and if I'm not careful about pacing, the fatigue that lingers on the edges overtakes me. But I am hopeful. More and more hopeful every week that my meds are going to really help me. I can't wait for them to be able to jack up the dose to where it should be. I'm starting to get cabin fever. I'm starting to get bored with the things that I am "able" to do.

Totally Obsessed With

2008-02-11T08:02:00.001-07:00

Once-Soundtrack

The music is so hauntingly gorgeous. The vocals echo in my mind long after I've turned off my ipod. It just won't leave me. Incredible! Amazing!

There you are

2008-01-22T11:24:00.001-07:00

Well I haven't been updating this blog...AT ALL. I'm sure that any stragglers that still checked in have long since moved on. I have been consumed lately with a mysterious illness. I haven't been well since June but around August/September things took a turn for the worse. In addition to the bone crushing fatigue I was experiencing I began to suffer from pain in my muscles. I had good days and bad days which eventually translated into all bad days. I don't have any symptom free days anymore. I'm grateful when the pain is something I can "soldier" through. It's tougher when the pain is an 8 or 9 out of 10, or when I can't walk. My family has been really supportive. The kids will fetch water and pain pills, empty the dishwasher, even cook some relatively easy meals when my symptoms are bad. My fatigue topped out one day when I went to Target with the kids (Dan was out of town). We went in the door nearest the Halloween costumes so the kids could look around and get ideas. But I needed some chap stick which was on the opposite corner of the store. As I shuffled along and my kids did their best to slow their pace to mine it occurred to me that I might not be able to make it to the other side of the store. What a devastation! This illness has robbed me of my life as I knew it. I'm not sure if I will get my old life back or if I'll have to continue to learn to live in this new unpredictable body. I am hoping for a diagnosis to come through this Friday. A label, a name for what's happening will somehow make all of this feel more real. It will hopefully help me to deal with my denial. In the meantime, I've become better at driving scooters around Target. I haven't quite gotten the courage to use one at Costco or Home Depot. One step at a time I guess. I'm terrified of going shopping with a friend and having to humble myself to use a scooter. I know that they don't care that I'm driving around; they like me anyway. But still it's hard. I never thought I would have to get used to driving a scooter and dealing with those inconveniences so soon in my life. Plus it's embarrassing when you hit reverse and the machine beep beep beeps to (humiliate you and draw attention to you) warn others. I am clinging to the truism that God is Good. That He works ALL things for good for those who love him. Some days I cling better than others but I am looking forward to getting through the tunnel and embracing the light.

A Young Girl Reading

2007-09-13T09:48:00.000-06:00

A Young Girl Reading
Jean-Honore Fragonard

I love this painting!

The Road Not Taken

2007-08-29T09:05:00.000-06:00

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference.

Leah

2007-07-03T08:45:00.000-06:00

This is our new puppy, Leah. She is an English Mastiff and is expected to be around 150 pounds when she is full grown. That is more than twice the weight of Hannah. Dan is super excited because he has always wanted a Mastiff. These pics were taken soon after we got her. She is now 3 1/2 months old and weighs over 30 pounds. She has a really sweet disposition and has been really good about potty training. She learns quickly. Leah has really fit in well with our family and even Hannah is getting used to her.

Bradley-isms

2007-05-30T00:28:00.001-06:00

Our church meets in a movie theater. A couple of Sundays ago Bradley approached me with something important to say. He looked me in the eye and said, "Mom, look at that poster. See how it says stuff under each thing? See what it says under PG-13? It says 'See it with your kids'." Then he looked at me earnestly waiting for my response. He figured the poster was telling all parents to see PG-13 movies with their kids. Finally someone was telling me to let him see all these movies I kept saying "no" to. I had to laugh. I explained to him that the PG stood for Parental Guidance and that I was the Parental and I was Guiding him away from these movies. I informed him that the "See it with your kids" meant that your kids shouldn't see it alone, if they saw it at all. Too cute.

When Dan was deployed last year I spent a lot of time with my friend Jessica. It was really great to have someone there to go through a deployment with. It was also great to have her witness first hand some of Bradley's Bradley-isms. One of my favorites and I think hers too was the toothbrush incident. Both of my kids had one of those automatic toothbrushes that you put batteries in and the brush spins. I was sitting on the couch with Jessica, having just sent my kids to "get ready for bed." Bradley came out into the living room and informed me that his toothbrush was out of batteries and therefore he couldn't brush his teeth. I smiled and replied that while the brush was no longer spinning it was still capable of cleaning his teeth and that he would have to brush the old fashioned way--moving the brush himself.

My last story is more recent. We rented a movie called Pan's Labyrinth. It was nominated for an Academy Award for best foreign film. It was very imaginative and had great costumes. So, Bradley wanted to see it. Because of it's rating I said "no". I also explained that he really wouldn't enjoy watching the movie because, "you can't understand anything that anyone is saying and you have to read all of the words at the bottom of the screen." Bradley just shook his head and said, "Why would anyone make a movie like that?"

O Praise Him

2007-05-04T15:07:00.000-06:00

Amazing!

Inca Dove

2007-04-27T12:39:00.000-06:00

This is an Inca Dove that Dan photographed in the aviary at The Desert Museum.

For the Birds

2007-04-27T12:25:00.000-06:00

The kids and I have been studying birds in science this year. Well, all flying creatures of the fifth day. (Exploring Creation With Zoology vol. 1). It's been really fun. When we first moved to Tucson the newspaper here ran an article on the most popular birds of the area. So we cut them all out and taped them to index cards. The kids had to learn all of the birds before we could go on our first field trip here, The Desert Museum. It was awesome to have my children identifying birds for everyone in the aviary. We have discovered that even if you don't really get into birds, once you start to learn more about them it becomes more exciting. We also have started putting bird seed out in our back yard. This has been the most fun! We've been able to watch and identify all the various birds that hang out in our yard now. We have a family of Rock Doves and several Mourning Doves. A couple of families of House Sparrows with babies, and two families of House Finch. We keep hoping that eventually we will attract some new and interesting birds. We are dying to see some warblers or cardinals. It's been a blast to learn with my kids.

Family

2007-04-16T18:24:00.000-06:00

Bradley

2007-04-16T18:21:00.000-06:00

Bethany

2007-04-16T18:11:00.000-06:00

Miss Bailey

2007-04-09T18:02:00.000-06:00

This is Miss Bailey Adams. We had a great time watching her while her parents were away.

Before We Left Alaska

2007-04-09T17:51:00.000-06:00

This was taken on the highway on our way out of Alaska.

These were taken in Haines. The city where we boarded the ferry.

Phoenix Zoo

2007-04-09T14:40:00.000-06:00

We stopped in Fresno to hang out with Dan's parents and my Dad. It was fun getting to see his new house and just spend time with everyone. Dan's sisters Julie and Charla came to Fresno to see us. We even did a little Christmas with them. Then we headed out and intended to see the Grand Canyon on our way to Tucson. But as is the truest irony for an Alaskan family, it was snowing the day we were supposed to go. So, we decided to stop in Phoenix for a couple of days instead and check out the Phoenix Zoo.
The beginning. This was a really awesome zoo. We had tons of fun!
It was raining off and on. We had just visited the petting zoo but some of the animals were inside where it was dry.

My gator wrangling children. They are so brave.

More Phoenix Zoo Pics

2007-04-09T14:30:00.000-06:00

Yay! I can't believe they got me Kettle Corn!

This is the Bradley that I know and love!

Santa Rosa

2007-04-09T12:10:00.000-06:00

Our first stop in the states was in Oregon to visit with Dan's Uncle Ken and Aunt Cheryl. It was really super to see them and get a chance to visit their camp. Then we headed down to Santa Rosa. Most of Dan's family lives there. I love spending time with all of them. They are so neat!
Dan's Aunt Rozanne was moving to D.C. to take a new position with the FBI and his cousin Jolene was home from China. So we were coming through at just the right time. It was a great excuse for a big Kinser party. It was so great to see Jolene. What a sweet person she is. It was a lot of fun catching up with her. I'm really glad that we got a chance to see Rozanne as well. It was a fun time.
What a blast it was to see everyone!

Ferry

2007-04-04T19:01:00.001-06:00

We made it out of Alaska. The roads were quite iffy the week leading up to our departure. So, we decided to drive all the way to Haines in one day. This proved to be very smart on our part since they ended up closing the roads. It was a trip to drive down streets that had snow walls that were taller than me. The ferry ride was great. No one threw up this time. It was nice to get a chance to read and hang out. I was able to do school with the kids which was great.

The ferry boat we had this time around was much nicer than the one we had on our last trip.

We got to get off the boat and walk Hannah whenever we were in port. This is a pic of Hannah and me in Sitka.

Poor Hannah had to spend the entire trip locked away in the car. She handled it like a pro. What a great and wonderful puppy she is. This is a pic of me and the kids feeding her.

Update May 07

2007-03-27T09:18:00.000-06:00

It's been three months now. I haven't posted anything--not a single story or update, not a picture. I'm sure that I've lost even those who were hanging in just to make sure my blog was dead. A lot has happened in three months. We lost our foster son on Dec. 12, had Christmas on Dec. 25 (duh), had movers come out to pack us up on Dec. 27, left Alaska on Jan. 6. For those who have never moved or done Christmas with two kids or lived in Alaska or lost a son, each of these things is very difficult (OK Christmas isn't very difficult but it is stressful when it happens in the midst of a tornado). Doing all of them together would have killed me if I didn't have Christ to carry me through it. It wasn't over, yet. We still had to travel from Alaska to Arizona with two kids, luggage and our floppy eared dog. We didn't get to Tucson until Jan. 31. Then we had to find a place to live--and move our stuff in. So, we are really just starting to feel settled in an unsettled way. Because there wasn't any time--not even a breath--between losing our baby and leaving Alaska I didn't really have time to process it or deal with it or really to grieve in any way. It's sort of a stunted way to have to deal with something. The despair could have killed me, if it weren't for Christ. If I didn't KNOW that God would look after him for me. If I didn't KNOW that God loves him more than me. If I couldn't pray for him constantly. If I couldn't give God my wound and have him clean it, it would have become infected.
Now I am just in mourning. Mourning the loss of his smiling face and the way he would dance to music in the car. I'm begging God to help me to remember it all.
We have added to our family since arriving here. Bethany has gotten a gerbil named Aja (Asia). She is cute and fluffy with a pink nose. Bethany is over the top excited about it! I'm getting bored of typing now, so I'm just going to post this. Hopefully I will be able to blog more in the next months.

Life In Alaska

2006-12-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

Many months ago I stumbled upon an entertaining little blog called Life In Alaska. I have enjoyed checking in on the site and chuckling at the observations of life here. There are so many experiences that come with living in this big, open, freezing cold state that just can't really be appreciated without the actual experience. As I am getting ready to move soon I was looking forward to checking in on the site every so often to reminisce. I am quite saddened to have learned that the Wilder's have moved to Texas. Perhaps this will be a fitting change as I am moving to Tucson. Maybe I will find new ways to relate and connect with all of his new adventures. But I will certainly miss the unique and distinctive stories of the Alaska wilderness.

Just An Update

2006-12-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Moving time is quickly approaching. And likewise, so is Christmas. Again I find myself in a situation where too many things are happening at once. We recently had to let our foster son go. It was very difficult and continues to be difficult. But we are at peace with what happened. It was right. I am so thankful for God in times like these. He is the ultimate provider of peace. We are now focusing on a Christmas that comes only two days before the movers pack up our stuff. It is quite challenging to find time to step back and immerse yourself in the meaning of Christmas--or Christmas at all--when there are a thousand things to accomplish for moving. I am usually a planner. The more planned out I have things the more peaceful I feel, especially when moving. This year, however, my brain is leaking. I've tried cramming too many things into it and now it is leaking. I am feeling the pressure and anxiety of having no lists, no plans, and an inability to focus on such things for too long. I just keep telling myself that we will get to Tucson one way or another--probably with a few bumps along the way.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

2006-11-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

Halloween

2006-11-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

Blogs, Babies, Books and Moving

2006-11-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

Time has become quite the enemy lately. It seems I never have enough of it. I always have just one more thing to do. We haven't heard yet about our foster son's grandmother's homestudy. It's awful but we're hoping she doesn't pass. If she passes we have a very low shot of getting him. In fact I'd say we only have a God shot of getting him. It's a good thing I have a big God. Of course I don't always know the mind of God. I'm just praying that he wants me to keep my foster son as well...or at least that he will take pity on me and let me keep him. I don't know what I'll do if I lose him now. So, I'm waiting.
We're also getting ready for a big--and much anticipated--move! I can't wait to get on the road. There are too many days left to fill before the move day. I'd leave tomorrow if I could. It has been a long and difficult three years here. I love road trips and I really enjoyed driving up here. So, I imagine that our trip back down will be wonderful...especially since we are leaving Alaska this time. We plan to take the Ferry again. It was really neat coming up. We got to see dolphins and jellyfish. We're going to try to continue doing school in the car on the way and hopefully not miss too many days. We started a little early here so that we would have some time to spare. We've used a lot of the extra time up hanging out with Dan. It's been so awesome to have Dan home again! I hate it when he's gone. I lose a husband and a best friend all in one.
I don't seem to have much time for blogging lately. We took some really great pics of the kids last night for Halloween. As soon as we get them loaded to the computer I'll post them here. Bradley was Batman. Bethany was a vampire. Our foster son was a scarecrow. They are all too cute. And Bethany has grown so tall and grown up so much it's freaking me out!

He's Back

2006-07-19T15:29:00.000-06:00

Our foster son has come back to us! He'll probably only be here for about a month. Dan is not home yet and may not make it home in time to see him before he has to leave. This is definitely a bittersweet situation. I'm glad that I get to see him again. I'm glad that when he needed me I was here. But it is going to be doubly painful to let him go again.

Camp

2006-07-14T01:19:00.000-06:00

My daughter Bethany just went off to camp for a week. It is called Operation Purple and is for children whose parents are deployed. It is supposed to be a special week for these special kids. When I dropped her off for the week the counselors made a big deal about how much they appreciate the sacrifice that our children make for our country by giving up their parents to serve. I thought that was very affirming for the kids to be honored for their sacrifice in all of this. It is wonderful that they have this camp. Bethany was really looking forward to going and had already made a friend before the bus left. So far I haven't heard from her so she must be having a wonderful time. Saturday I go and pick her up from camp. She is supposed to get to show me around and introduce me to her new friends. I can't wait to see her again. It's amazing how much of a mom I am. I really had to try not to cry when I dropped her off. My baby girl is ten. Ten. The time goes by so fast. I am so lucky. Both of my kids are unbelievable.

Bases

2006-07-14T00:49:00.000-06:00

The list of available bases has just been released. We are PCSing (moving) in January. Alaska is considered an overseas assignment in the military. So, we are supposed to have some preference in our next assignment. The available locations are Beale AFB in California, Davis-Monthan AFB in Tuscon, Arizona, Cannon AFB in New Mexico, and Barksdale AFB in Louisiana. We are hoping to get Beale or D-M. Beale's main attraction is that it is located in California. I'm from Cali and I love Cali. The more places that I live the more I love the state I came from. If only it wasn't one of the most expensive states to live in! Beale is a smallish base but it does have an Olive Garden and a Target nearby. Two places I miss a lot. I can't wait to live near a mall again. D-M is probably a nicer base and Tucson is probably a bigger city. Both of these things would be a breath of fresh air after Eielson. Plus Arizona isn't too far away from family. It has been really tough being a deployed spouse while stationed up here in the middle of nowhere. It has been challenging to find things to do. The nearest city to visit is 7-8 hours away. So, there are no day trips. Also, Alaska is very much a tourist state--especially in the summer. Which unfortunately means that the $60 motel room in the winter becomes a $150 motel room in the summer. Most of the activities here are quite expensive as well. I am looking forward to our move and hoping that God chooses to bless me abundantly in my next base. This assignment has been quite difficult. In almost every aspect I have been tried. God has really used the last couple of years to push me and grow me. I have been sifted like wheat. I am ready for some rest. I haven't seen my husband since March. Early March. I believe he left here on the 4th. He was gone quite a lot before that as well. One of the deployed spouses here informed me that the guys were only home 24 days this year. I have only seen my husband for 24 days since Jan. 1. There is no way to describe how it feels--the struggles, the challenges, the exhaustion, the aching, the stress. Every day gets longer and harder. I am desperately ready to see him again.

What I'm Listening To

2006-06-20T22:45:00.000-06:00

This is Train's new album and it's a good one. I've really enjoyed it.

What I'm Listening To

2006-06-20T22:37:00.000-06:00

I'm totally diggin this band. I know that their first single (Over My Head) is getting overplayed but I'm still enjoying the album. There are too many songs that I love to list here.

Moose!

2006-05-21T23:19:00.000-06:00

Today as we were driving on base we passed these Moose twins. As big as they are, they are still quite small...for a moose. They are so amazing!

2006-05-21T22:51:00.000-06:00

What I'm Listening To

2006-05-15T12:02:00.000-06:00

This is the best Jars of Clay CD EVER. It's also one of my all time favorite CDs.

What I'm Listening To

2006-05-15T11:59:00.000-06:00

This soundtrack is just beautiful.

What I'm Reading

2006-05-15T11:51:00.000-06:00

This is an amazing book. It has been wonderful to read through some of these prayers before bed at night. I am also doing the Breaking Free Bible Study with some friends. I really appreciate and enjoy Beth's gift of teaching God's Word. I've felt as though Beth has discipled me from afar. I hear the Holy Spirit speaking right to me when Beth opens her mouth to teach.

Updates N Stuff

2006-05-15T11:23:00.000-06:00

Bradley had a birthday party with his friends--or friend as it turned out this year. He got to pick out his own cake. That is an ice-cream cake from Fred Meyer (very good). It is chocolate cake with chocolate ice-cream and chocolate frosting. I'm still amazed that we all survived. Death by chocolate is a pretty good way to go. Bradley will be 8 this month. Time flies with children. Bethany is 10. Double digits already. She's also tall. They just keep growing whether you feed them or not. Dan is still off saving lives, rendering safe bombs. We all miss him terribly. Being a happily married single parent is pretty tough, both physically and mentally. It's not always easy being mom and dad. Usually there is a point in the day when I can take my full time parent cap off and rejuvenate. This is usually within an hour of Dan coming home from work. He's been gone all day and enjoys being with the kids. I don't have to monitor all behaviors. I don't have to think up appropriate consequences. I don't have to answer any questions about water, or dinner, or why... There is no more break. Somehow I have to manage to get through the whole day as mom--homeschooling and all. Then I have to be prepared to be mom and dad in the evening. The only way to do this successfully, I've found, is to rely heavily on God. And I still mess it up. And, of course, I don't make as good a dad as Dan. He is just specially made to fill that role and he does it excellently. I find that I am more exhausted with him gone. Too many roles to fill. Too many chores to do. (Well I personally think there are always too many chores to do.) We can't wait to see him again.

Still Snowing...

2006-04-11T10:59:00.000-06:00

Spring?

2006-04-10T18:52:00.000-06:00

Just another snowy April day. This snowy day, happening in April, brings our winter month count this year to eight. Eight months of winter. I'm beginning to wonder if our winter will ever end.

Ice Championships

2006-03-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

John Leguizamo attended the opening of the ice park here in Alaska. It is a pretty major event when anyone of consequence comes to Fairbanks, Alaska. But even more so when they come in the middle of our harsh winter conditions. Ice sculptors from around the world converge here every year for the championships. In addition to the beautiful art they also build an ice park for the kids. You have never seen so many beautifully sculpted ice slides. The kids have to wear snow pants or bring cardboard boxes in order to enjoy these. This year the theme of the ice park was Ice Age 2. So, in accordance with this John Leguizamo arrived to promote his new film in which he is the voice of Sid the Sloth. It was great fun to see him arrive via dog sled and "cut" the ice ribbon with a blow torch. Definitely an event to remember.

Update, Finally

2006-03-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

Look, it's been forever since I updated this site. I feel as though I should type something...anything. We have lost our foster son. He has gone back to his mom. I have lost my baby. My husband has been deployed to Operation Enduring Freedom. So, I have been quite busy adjusting, running, denying, grieving, surviving, adapting... God has been good to me. He always is. Daily He walks me through--carrying me at times, I'm sure. It is an odd sort of feeling when you are surrounded by both trials and blessings. So painful on one side, yet so wonderful on the other.

-40 Degrees and Ice Fog

2006-01-28T16:18:00.000-07:00

For three days it has been -40 degrees with ice fog. What is ice fog? Well it is very similar to regular fog. Only imagine that the fog freezes in the air. You can see all the ice particles sparkling and reflecting in your headlights. We still don't have much light. Sunrise 9:45 a.m., sunset 4:19 p.m. This is the time of year when the temperatures and the darkness really start to drive you mad. The first 3 months of winter are survivable. It's expected...winter--3 months. Come January your body and your mind are screaming for warmth and light. Here in Alaska you usually only get one or the other during the winter. If it is clear and sunny, it is freezing (and to clarify freezing--for those of you in California--freezing is colder than -20 degrees, not 30 or 40 degrees above zero). We long for the days when it is warm enough to snow. If only it could be 5 or 10 degrees above zero. When the temperatures start rising again (30 to 40 degrees)--somewhere around March--you will see Alaskans begin to celebrate the warmth. We stop wearing jackets and start wearing t-shirts.
But January and February are tough months. People still function. We still go out to the store, fill our cars with gas, etc... But we do it quickly and begrudgingly and only because we have to.
When it is -40 it hurts to breath. You can't touch metal doorknobs (or really anything metal) without burning your hand. Weird lights in your car come on for no reason--Airbag, Check Engine. People leave their cars running while they rent movies or do their grocery shopping. If you can't leave the car running you need to plug it in. (The heater in my car never quite makes the car warm and can't keep the windows from icing up.) The tires on a car left outside will freeze. Whatever part of the tire that is pushed flat from sitting on the ground will stay flat. You'll drive around bouncing on squared off tires until they thaw. And really cool...you can take a pan of hot or boiling water outside, throw it up in the air and it will freeze before it hits the ground.

Bethany's New Hat

2006-01-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

Dan is off on one of his many adventures. Bethany got a new hat. This was the best way to share it with him. I mean other than emailing it which would have worked just as well. But then you my devoted audience would not have gotten to share in this beautiful moment.

Family Updates

2005-12-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

As Christmas is approaching and the madness will be increasing this seemed the best time to give an update on our family. Dan is currently in Hawaii. Those of us left behind are more jealous of the fact that he is somewhere warm and sunny than that it is Hawaii. Well, it could be a tie. You'd be amazed how crazy we all get about sunlight up here in the winter.
Hopefully Dan will have the week after Christmas (mostly) off. He will probably have briefings (the military word for meetings) on his deployment that week. This deployment is coming too quickly. (And lasting too long.)
Our foster son is still with us. He is now completely ours in our hearts. The doctors think he might be having seizures, so he is going to get some tests done. The birth mom is letting me make the appointments. They are starting to transition him home now. He is having home visits once a week with his mom in Fairbanks. Christmas eve he is going to have his first overnight visit. This is one of the hardest things ever! We know that he won't get the care that he needs once he goes home. The mother only needs to be adequate to get him back. This means that she will have to take him to his Occupational and Physical Therapy appointments but it doesn't mean she has to work with him at home.
What a roller coaster ride this has been. I am still working to trust God in this, by faith and not by sight. I cannot even come close to expressing what this experience has been like for us or how much of myself I have poured into this.
Our bio kids are doing great! I am loving homeschooling. I wish I had a few more hours in the day and an extra heaping of energy, so I could keep adding more and more things to do with them. It has been so much fun exploring all of these subjects with my kids. They (my kids) are so amazing and fun. We read Romeo and Juliet out of a book called Tales From Shakespeare, then we rented the movies. It was such a kick to see my 7 and 9 year old not only watch the movie but follow it and enjoy it. It is so exciting to see them learning and growing.

Wherever I Go

2005-12-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's been almost a month since I last updated this blog. I'm sure that most of my (two) faithful readers have given up on me. But life has been pretty full for me lately. It's difficult as a stay at home mom to find any time for myself and usually when I get the time my brain is pretty fried. I'm usually only able to sit on the couch and drool. I'm not able in those moments to opine on the world around me or come up with anything of remote interest. "But none of your previous blogs were of interest," you say. True. I'm sure this won't be either. I was just talking with a friend the other day about my blog title...Wherever you go. It is amazing that even when God sends you to Alaska, you take yourself with you. You'd think your junk would be held at the border of Canada. Or that it would at least get frozen solid--something you could stick in the freezer and look at every once in awhile. But it really seems that instead of freeing you of your junk, Alaska has a way of bringing it all out. It is a very isolating place. When it is -25 outside you don't...well you try not to do anything really. It is currently getting dark here. Very dark. The sun rises at 10:45 a.m. and sets at 2:42 p.m. That gives us four hours of sunlight a day--when the sun comes out. Dark, cold, lonely days sitting inside your house to avoid freezing to death give you a lot of time to think. What kind of person am I? How is God ever going to be able to use me? Am I lovable? Why am I so irritating? Why am I so insecure?
I would love to be free of it all. I would like the struggle of life to end. It would be wonderful if God could just say "Hey, you need to stop being angry." And voila! You're perfect. Until then I trust that God knows better than me. And maybe someday it won't be such a disappointment to take myself, wherever I go...

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

I am thankful that my foster son is still with us. I am thankful that Dan is here and our family is going to be together tomorrow. I am thankful for my healthy, smart, beautiful kids. I am thankful for my puppy dog. I am thankful for a God who loves me. He is always giving me the strength I need to get through each day.

link pic 2

2005-11-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

link pic

2005-11-19T01:13:00.000-07:00

Whatever

2005-11-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

Well it appears the image for my link has gone caput. Tonight Dan and I are heading out to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. This movie is based on my favorite book so far. Not so much because it is an important book filled with symbolism, depth or clues (Chamber of Secrets, Azkaban, and HBP are more suited to that) but because this book is the most fun. It is non stop action from page one. It is also the turning point in the battle between good and evil. I can't wait to see it.

New Link

2005-11-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to have added a new link to my "links" section. It is a link to the Ambleside curriculum that I am loving for homeschooling my kids. It has been such a rewarding and challenging curriculum. Hope you enjoy checking it out.

Foster Info

2005-10-19T11:23:00.000-06:00

We didn't get the transportation for two visits for our foster son. However, the new worker did get rid of Wednesday visits. They are making Monday's visits longer by an hour but I'm hoping that will be manageable. I'm really hoping and praying that one less visit will be enough relief. I really wanted to get it down to one trip into town. So, I am praying that what God has provided will be enough. I don't want to be flying at exhaustion a hundred miles an hour every week. Also, I really want to be able to focus more on homeschooling with my kids.
We were given some more info on our foster son and the circumstances that brought him into care. The new social worker has been really great. In addition we now have an idea of how long he will be with us. Halloween--Yes. Thanksgiving--Yes. Christmas--Highly Probable.
On the difficult news front we just learned that Dan will be deploying earlier than we thought and for a longer time--Eight Months!
Unfortunately this means that I will probably be on my own when it comes time to re-unify our foster son with his mother. This will be challenging.
Interesting to note: In my study with Beth Moore I just watched one of her videos that spoke to me on this very thing. She was talking about submitting to God's will both before and after. She used Jesus and Job as examples. Job submitted to God's will after all of these difficult circumstances came into his life. And often times things do tend to hit us out of the blue (i.e. infected teeth) and it is sometimes difficult to submit in those moments. Sometimes, as with Jesus, we are able to see the challenge coming. In our spirits we can see that this circumstance is going to be very hard. We may not know how hard but we know beyond a doubt that it will be hard. Jesus came here knowing that he was going to have to die for me and you. He also knew that it wasn't going to be a pleasant 'fade away in your sleep' kind of death. He saw the suffering and the temporary separation from God that was coming. He had to submit completely to God in this circumstance before it occurred, knowing the cost.
I feel as though this is where I sit right now. Staring down the barrel of eight months separated from my greatest friend and lover. As well as eight months of doing everything on my own as a single parent of sorts. I know that this is going to press me and pull in ways I've never been tested before. I am so thankful that I do not have to go through it alone. God is going to be there with me, helping me to take 'baby steps' to get through each day. I am so thankful for people in my life who consistently pray for me and remind of the goodness of God. Sometimes I forget. But God never forgets me.

Rough

2005-10-19T11:02:00.000-06:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. My husband had to leave for a week for some training and everything got really challenging. I knew that life was going to be difficult with him gone and I couldn't afford to have anything go wrong. Everything needed to go as planned. My weeks already had me approaching exhaustion and I was seeking some relief in the number of visits I needed to get my foster son to. The Friday that Dan left my teeth started to hurt...A lot. Of course there are no dentists open on the weekend. So, I iced my jaw and used Motrin and Ora-jel. I couldn't get in to the dentist Monday because of my foster son's visit, so I made a morning appointment for Tuesday. Then I had to make another morning appointment for Thursday. By Thursday afternoon I wasn't even able to function anymore due to the pain. It appears that one of my roots got infected. Thursday I was given prescription pain killers and antibiotics, which I proceeded to vomit up all night. Friday morning my dentist was back in the office--I had been seeing his partner throughout the week. I went in to get an anti-nausea prescription. My face was so swollen, I was in so much pain and part of my face had gone numb. But my dentist refused to see me. He refused to even look at me. Someone at the office felt that I needed to get the tooth drained to ease the pain and lower the swelling but the dentist would not listen. His partner did come in on his day off and he offered to drain me that afternoon. But by then I was home and hoping that the antibiotics would kick in. I didn't want to have to drive anywhere. I was after all toting around three kids. Saturday morning I had an emergency root canal performed. I felt so grateful that God had gotten me through the week. I had survived. Then Dan came home Monday. Bradley and I caught a plane on Wednesday for his surgery on Thursday. Needless to say we are all exhausted. Bradley's surgery went really well. He came out of anesthesia really well. We are hoping the surgery had its desired effect and all will be well with Brad.

Just A Couple Of Things

2005-10-03T11:41:00.000-06:00

I'm always afraid that I am going to bore the few readers I have with all of my mundane information. My life really doesn't seem that exciting to me. Though I am still traveling at break neck speed through it every day. I'm still doing visits in Fairbanks for my foster son. But now I am doing it three times a week. I was going to try and get OCS (Office of Children's Services) to help with transportation but at my last visit with the bio mom I didn't even see anyone. That's right, there was no social worker or visitation specialist there to greet me or see me off. It is mostly like this. A lot of the time I'm pretty much ignored. I'm just sort of a background player. I could be the cab driver, or the person delivering lunch. It wouldn't be much different. If I call them I know that they will return my phone call but I'm not sure how thrilled they are going to be when I ask them to provide some transportation. It just seems like it would be better to ask in person. It is too much of a challenge to try and get my foster son to Fairbanks three times a week in the middle of the day--especially while homeschooling.

In other news, we found out on Friday that Bradley is going to need surgery to remove some scar tissue. It is just really hard for a mom to hear that her son needs surgery. We are going to have to take him to Anchorage to get this done. The military will pay for Bradley and one adult to fly down for this appointment. Of course this means we can't all go. Plus in order to take our foster son we would have to get special permission from his mom to miss his visits. His surgery is scheduled for Oct. 13 with a pre-op appointment on the 12th. Also, my foster son has an appointment scheduled in Fairbanks on Oct. 12. Dan is in Japan this week. So, I will need to figure out how to pull all of this together on my own. Hopefully it will all come together smoothly. Dan is supposed to get back from Japan on Oct. 10. Then he will have to take some time off, either to stay here with the kids or to go to Anchorage.

If I didn't know that God is sovereign, that he loves and cares for me, and that he is mighty, powerful and in control, I don't know how I would get through life sometimes. Praise be to God who carries me through it all.

No Spare Time

2005-09-09T00:03:00.000-06:00

I have no spare time. Not even to write this. I am giving up precious moments of sleep to update this blog that almost nobody reads. We got our first foster care placement Tuesday night. He had a visit with his mom scheduled for Wednesday and another is scheduled for tomorrow. Next week he will start on regular visits Monday and Wednesday. It is amazing to me how much time an infant absorbs. It has been quite a few years since I've had one. Also, it is a unique challenge to get a 5 month old. You don't get the first 5 to figure things out. We just had to guess how much he weighed and hope the diapers we bought would fit. It is an adjustment getting used to having a baby again.

In addition to the foster child, I am attending classes on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for two weeks. These are the CORE classes required when becoming a foster parent in Alaska. They are super helpful and informative but ever so inconvenient. They are in Fairbanks, which is a 30-40 minute drive. The visits with the baby's mom are also in Fairbanks. Ouch on the gas!

Also, I am going strong in my third week of homeschooling. It has been extremely difficult for the kids to stay focused on school with a baby around--not to mention the interruptions of visits to Fairbanks in the middle of the school day. It's been challenging for me to go with the flow. I haven't been able to have a decent un-interrupted quiet time with God since he got here either. I'm probably going to have to get up earlier--YUCK!!!!! It would be nice if I could go to bed earlier but my schedule just isn't allowing it right now. Hopefully as things progress we will be able to find a nice schedule to fall into. After Sept. 17 I won't have CORE anymore, so that will ease things up a bit. However, I am missing my Tuesday evening bible study the next two weeks, so that will still be there. And the kids are starting Awana soon, so there goes my Wednesday evening. But God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. So, I am working on trusting Him with all of this. He has been so faithful to me!